Monday, January 25, 2010

The Elway, er, Marino Theory?

Years ago, my good friend AA and I formulated a theory that describes the correlations between procrastination, panic, and practice. For a name, we settled on 'The Elway Theory.' Basically, it breaks down like this: the fourth quarter is all that matters.

With sufficient mental faculties, and enough practice at harnessing panic into a high degree of intense attention to one task, it is possible to, for example, acquire the knowledge presented in half a semester of a university philosophy class in the span of roughly 90 minutes.

We found that this practice leaves the bulk of the day free to focus on the really important stuff in life, such as composing Top 10 lists, imagining how awesome it would be to hang out with Curtis Mayfield, or determining whether it's the biscuits or the gravy that holds the most energy.

Since each of us has largely lived our lives according to this theory, I was very much shocked to learn that, if you trust the numbers and logic, we may actually be living according to the ways of Dan Marino. Can it truly be that a fatherless skidmark like Marino is the inspiration of my life? The numbers don't lie; it's Superhead by a slight margin.

So, theories sometimes requiring revision, I've made a small concession in crafting: 'The Melway Theory.' The improved collection of concepts gives a nod to Marino's fourth-quarterness. However, it also incorporates the assertion that even if you're not technically as proficient as the competition, your chances of success increase greatly when you're not a shitheel Like Dan Marino. Do yourself a favor by practicing the 'The Melway Theory,' just don't forget to send me thanks for making your life non-stop awesome.


Jim said...

I like this compromise. I was crushed to find out that The Elway Theory was based on faulty research, and more crushed to find out that we might have a Marino Theory on our hands.

What are the top ten reasons why it would be awesome to eat biscuits and gravy with Curtis Mayfield?

Nate said...

The first two are obvious:
1. Gravy
2. Biscuits
From there it gets a bit more subjective, but here goes:
3. Energy
4. Guitar funkiness
5. General funkiness
6. Butter
7. Sideburns
8. Curtis Mayfield himself
9. Accompanying fruit juices
10. It would make Isaac Hayes jealous

Jim said...

That's a pretty definitive list.


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